The traveling circus known as the Republican Presidential Primary rolled into Tampa Florida, Monday night. At first blush it looked like the game in Miami between the Fins and the Patriots would be a better watch and it probably was but the debate heated up pretty quick.
CNN was the big host with Wolf Blitzen taking some annual leave from Santa’s sleigh team off season workouts to be the moderator. The opening was about an 8.8 on the smarmy meter. For those of you who grew up watching Miss America, think contestant introductions except with a bunch of people who need to tie pork-chops around their necks to get the family dog to play with them. Wolf even did an example of how each candidate should intro themselves by staring right into the camera and introducing himself. You corporate sales types would have had training meeting roll playing flashbacks. The rest of us just felt creepy. Yeah it was that bad.
Not much changed from the the last debate candidate wise. It was the Mitt and Rick show for the first 30 minutes. Even the CNN camera crew knows this is a two horse race. They had Perry and Romney in frame by themselves most of the night as if they were the only candidates there. Of course the first 30 minutes was about Social Security and since they were in the blue hair capital of the world, it was a big issue. Perry and Romney have the most to say about that so naturally they dominated the topic. OK on to the breakdown.
Rick Santorum – He made a liar out of me, the little bugger. He managed to stay in the race to the next debate. So apparently he’s half cockroach and will be around a lot more than I had predicted. He was direct questioned 3 times in 90 minutes. So he’s there but not really. The first question drew the line of the whole primary season from Santorum. After Perry and Romney were bludgeoning each other over everything, Wolf asked Santorum what he thought on the subject. Rick’s response; “I’m not going to be a tool in their fight.” I think we can all agree the tool joke writes itself. Rick is surely no Newt when it comes to bashing debate moderators.
Herman Cain – Best line of the night – “I will bring a sense of humor to the White House because America is too uptight.” Great Herman, can I get two large with pepperoni while you’re at it. And again the Herminator is on MSNBC right now. He’s talking about the Chilean Model and his 999 econ plan again. I’m Herman Cain and I think zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Newt Gingrich – Newt spared Blitzer tonight. Absolutely no moderator bashing tonight. He even took a break on science. He smiled and took credit for everything but the internet. Boringly bizarre.
Ron Paul – He must be cheeking his anti-crazy old man pills. He was literally off his rocker tonight. He actually got booed over his views on September 11th, for which he blames the US and it’s government, and then started to argue with the crowd. I would have sent him $20 if he yelled “Get off my lawn” at them.
Jon Huntsman – Say it ain’t so Jon. He was ridiculously stupid tonight. It’s his last debate more than likely unless he can bring his poll numbers up. Gotta hit that magic 5% to get invited to debates. Curt Cobain references and calling Rick Perry a traitor is not the way to do that. It was a tea party crowd so all the grunge rock references were not hitting the mark. Lesson for you kids out there, don’t be ashamed of being smartest in the room. And for sure don’t crawl in the mud with the dumb kids, you’ll never get all of the stupid off. 5% looking like a pipe dream now Jon and you have stupid on your jacket.
Michelle Bachman – She stood motionless and speechless for almost 35 minutes. However, she came out like a rabid dog on the subject of Perry’s mandated cervical cancer vaccines for young girls in Texas. Other than that she made Herman ‘999’ Cain look like Winston Churchill. Which, in case you were wondering, ain’t good debate stategery. Not good politics either. It also helps if you can remember how many kids you have. At the first 3 debates the number of her children was north of 25 when she counted all her foster kids. Tonight that number was down to 3, her natural born, when discussing illegal immigration. Something you want to share with us MIchelle? Were you fostering illegal immigrant kids to get the gov’t subsidies you hate so much that you want no one else to have them? She may not be around long enough to answer that question. Took a huge hit tonight.
Rick and Mitt – Man they came out swinging. Inside of 2 minutes they were referring to each other in the common. No more governor this and governor that, it was Rick you suck, Mitt you suck worse. They both got bloody. Perry had the most awkward line of the night. In response to Bachman’s charge that he was in bed with pharmaceutical companies, Perry answered “Of the 5 bazillion dollars I’ve raised they gave me $5000. If you think I can be bought for $5000 then I’m offended.” There was a huge pause before he added the I’m offended; as if his brain was yelling stop, no, don’t do it Rick. You either just admitted you can be bought for the right price or your a more expensive whore than they think. Which I guess is ultimately the same thing. Ironically he had a good point. 5 grand really is gas money compared to what he raises, how much influence could it possibly have had?
Mitt was taking the heat all night. Tea party ain’t his crowd. Clearly a road game for him. And surprisingly a win. The crowd knew they didn’t like him so he lost no ground because he had none to start. But he gained by virtue of Perry sounding an awful lot like a socialist with respect to immigration and education. Perry also walked back his Social Security is a Ponzi scheme and I’ll abolish it talk. So he looked a little weak to the tea party group. Mitt came out ahead by not falling behind. He’s still front runner 1a to Perry but he closed the gap. Well the gap came back to him is probably more true.
The real losers – CNN. Does anyone actually watch this channel anymore? They looked amateurish at best. The last topic of the night was immigration and when the candidates had eviscerated each other for about 5 minutes the debate ended. Literally when the last person answered, Wolf stepped in and said that’s all the time we have thanks for coming and thanks to our candidates. Done, The End, Finis, you ain’t gotta go home but you gotta get up outta here. Truly bizarre night all the way around. I’ll take liberal media bias all day every day if it means a more professional debate.