Diary of a Stay At Home Dad: Teat of Terror

Ok this is going to be a bit delicate for some of you, but I’m positive you’ll see the punch line by the time you’re done reading.  Here goes.

Tracy has breast fed both Frank and Anne Marie.  I have had an up close a personal view of both experiences and probably learned a lot more than I wanted to.  You’ll have to buy my soon to be released book to read about my experiences in Le Leche League breast feeding class.

As I type this I can’t really think of one aspect of the breast feeding that was the same for both kids.  Tracy had a hard time producing for Frank.  She produced the day after Anne Marie was born.  That’s three and a half months prior to the due date.  So in other words five and half months into the pregnancy she was producing.  It was slight at first but it was more than enough for a 1lb 12oz baby.

When Anne Marie finally fed at the breast, she was all business.  She latched on and started going at it.  Frank was a lazy SOB.  He just wanted to hang out, relax, etc…  At 2am he was the only one relaxing, trust me on that.  Once he did latch he took his good ole time.

Tracy went five months with Anne Marie.  We only got to six weeks with Frank. Ultimately it came down to need in my opinion.  Frank didn’t need it.  Six weeks was enough to boost his immune system.  After that it was nothing more then a water cooler visit for him.  He moved on to formula and then rice cereal and solid food pretty quick. He was dropping puree’ed squash around 10 or 12 months.  After that he was dusting off egg rolls and chalupas with regularity.

Anne Marie needed it so Tracy produced it.  Simple as that.  There are a lot of reasons Anne Marie is alive and thriving so far.  Not the least of which is the breast milk she was getting daily from Tracy.  The baby is alive in part because of Tracy’s efforts.  That’s one experience I’ll never get.  I was a bystander for the whole NICU experience really.  Tracy was in the trenches with the staff fighting it out the whole time.  My connection to the whole thing was being the guy who said stop when the docs asked if they should continue with the extreme measures on Linda Claire.

In the NICU it seemed like Tracy and even her mom were bonding with AM.  She would look at them, feed from a bottle for them.  Outside of falling asleep with me a few times I wasn’t feeling the connection.

Well I got my connection the other night.

The other big difference between Frank at that age and AM is snuggling.  She is a snuggler.  Frank was not.  AM will find the crook of your arm, stick her face into your neck or even the crease of your armpit.  When she sleeps on me she likes the crook of my arm just below the armpit.  Two things to keep in mind before I move forward.

1. I quit, cold turkey, my 4 liter a day diet coke habit 2 months ago and have subsequently dropped 22 pounds.  Still have about 35 to go but I’m making good progress, apparently just not enough.  This will become clear in a second.

2. Remember what I said about Anne Marie and breast feeding, she ‘s all business.  She latches quick and gets to work.

Keeping all that in mind it may come as no surprise to you that whilst she was snuggling into the crook of my arm and sleeping, or so I thought, she found, through my shirt, what she must have felt was a teat open for business.  It, of course, was not.  No matter, before I realized what was going on she latched on “to my left one” as my sister Carol would say, and got to work.

The pain was surprisingly intense.  The horror was worse.  Tracy always said it was calming and meaningful when she breast fed.  No meaning or calm here.  Just straight up pain and freaking terror.  How Tracy and Frank slept through my school girl type screams is beyond me.  But they did.  I eventually got her off there with a little flick on the nose.  Yeah she wasn’t letting go.  She apparently was positive there was milk in them thar hills.

Sorry kid, these are just for show.

 

My resulting counseling will take up too much time for me to blog about everything so here’s a gratuitous but completely unrelated picture of Frank’s first day of school today, with new haircut and everything.

Joe cool going to school.

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37 comments on “Diary of a Stay At Home Dad: Teat of Terror

  1. Aunt Carol says:

    OMG, I have tears rolling down my face! To funny. I’d like to be in the room when Mom reads this! 🙂 What an adorable picture of Frankie. He looks so grown up. He’s getting to be the perfect age for a stay at Club Widerker don’t ya think? Lots of love to you all. xoxo

  2. Mare says:

    That is just too damn funny!!!!! Takes “stay at home Dad” to a whole new level!!! 🙂

  3. Aunt Clare says:

    Oh, please let me know what your mother has to say about this. And about the LaLeche League, I was a card carrying member for the first few weeks after Mary Clare was born.
    That ended quickly, about as fast as the time it took for their book to make it into the trash can, where I tossed it, when I realized the bliss of bottle feeding!! (as in, the blissful smiles I couldn’t wipe off of my face, while her father and grandmothers fed her).

  4. Fran, You are the best! lol… Frank – school? What??? I can’t believe he’s old enough for school already…Hugs and I can’t wait to read more 🙂

  5. I showed this to my husband. I knew he
    Couldn’t have been the only guy this ever happened to! He still can’t get over
    the feeling that he must be some kind of creepy pervert. I have tried to console him. ” you were asleep! ”
    She might has well have been a Vampire Bat.” Your were the Victim of a misguided ” Rooting Relex”
    I wasn’t specific about the pain being caused by her inability to Latch on properly.
    I am gonna just let him think I have an
    Incredibly high pain threshold.

    I think you made him feel, a little bit
    better.. although he still keeps one eye
    Open if he finds her napping on his chest.
    ,”

  6. Lisa Edwards says:

    I am rolling on the floor laughing! I breastfed all four of ours, but I remember with Shane (when I was kinda clueless) there was pain for a period of time when I couldn’t get him to latch on correctly! My mother called it the toe curl period because I would curl my toes in on the floor. Looking back it’s funny but I assure you it was not funny then! Keep the stories coming! Do you have enough for a book yet? Can’t wait!!

  7. Oh thank you for that story – made me laugh out loud!! 😀

    Hope Frank’s first day at school went well too.

  8. Chris Coyne says:

    As they say in the biz, “that’s a classic right there…” – ‘course, I’ll need some sort of short-term lobotomy to remove the visuals. Thx pal.

  9. Michelle your cousin Arcaro says:

    Lol!!! Just imagine when she gets teeth!

  10. Zona Ash says:

    Bo and I are Facetiming as I am reading this and we are both laughing ourselves silly! I love the flick of the nose!

  11. SEL-5 says:

    I do not believe I will ever be right again after reading this.

  12. Laurie says:

    Can’t stand it! H.i.l.a.r.i.o.u.s!!

  13. Dave Welty says:

    Great stuff buddy. Very very funny and touching.

    Hope all is well and good luck with the diet.

    I am trying as well.

    God bless

    Dave

  14. Aunt Marge says:

    The Thursday “Aunts” Group all got a big chuckle out of this and “I know that’s not mud.”
    Loved Frank’s first day of school picture.

  15. tracye1 says:

    OK, seriously….just laughed OUT LOUD! Still laughing…..will probably laugh again today a few times…just sayin’! Thanks for sharing and keep those puppies covered would ya???

  16. […] Teat of Terror, I know that’s not mud, & They can’t do math were all examples of how many parenting lessons failed to translate from Frank to Anne Marie.  I mean the girl terrorized me for the first few months after she came home.  I’ll spare you the pictures, they ain’t pretty.  Actually those three events all occurred in the middle of the night so I don’t even think there are pictures.  I’m currently in counseling over it all, but they were three of the more popular posts of 2012.  Glad I could provide y’all some entertainment. Jerks. […]

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