Diary of a Stay at Home Dad: Is there a cure?

I thought I was protected.

No check that, I thought I was immune.

Apparently this malady does not discriminate against it’s victims.

Regardless of my tough upbringing, 1 of 8 kids in South Jersey, and my 22 years of military training, I was unable to ward it off.

I really have no clue what it is or how to treat it.  Still waiting on the CDC in Atlanta to get back to me but let me describe the symptoms and maybe one of y’all have heard of it or know what it’s called.

I was standing there next to my ironing board folding laundry as usual; specifically Anne Marie’s laundry.  I came across a few outfits I had not seen before and when I got to these pants….

It's gotta be curable, right?

It’s gotta be curable, right?

 

…my mind just took off thinking about all the cool looking onesies and t-shirts that would go with it. I even came up with a few pairs of socks that might open up more top combinations.  Then it really got bad.  My next thought was, “She has no shoes to match this, gonna have to fix that.”

Holy crap.

I was ‘askeert’ or frightened if you’re from somewhere else.  Tracy wasn’t home.  She’s in the business, the drug business, so I thought she might have an idea.  Frank was no help at all either.  I asked him where the hell did that all come from and this is what I got…

Yo pop, do I look like the Shell Answer Man to you?

Yo pop, do I look like the Shell Answer Man to you?

I knew he would be zero help, but when the adrenaline starts pumping out of fear you’ll reach for any thing to pull you back to sanity.

So apparently I can match outfits now. Girls outfits.  I have a friend who would regard that not as a disease but as a super power.  Yes you Coyne.

Still can’t dress myself, or Frank for that matter.  In that picture, you can’t tell but he doesn’t even have on pants.

Take this as a public service announcement my fellow stay at home fathers, do the laundry long enough and you’ll find yourself wondering if over the ankle or strapless sandals go better with a flower print summer dress.

I knew the end of the world was coming I just didn’t think it would be this horrifying when it finally happened.

Thank God it’s Masters Week.

 

26 comments on “Diary of a Stay at Home Dad: Is there a cure?

  1. Mike Muhleisen says:

    Great post Fran. I’m not even a stay at home Dad, but I do have several daughters and I find myself doing the same thing. I’m better at matching clothes than Jen….it is a sickness, Coyne is in denial…:-) Masters week indeed!…

  2. Kathy says:

    LOL…..dude that is scary stuff!!

  3. Zona says:

    That’s hysterical, not just what you said about the outfits n shoes, but what you said about Coyne too! LOL.

    • fmlinardo says:

      Thanks Zona. Yeah anytime you can take a whack at Coyne you best take it. He’ll own the world soon and you know he will outlaw making fun of him.

  4. joy says:

    AH les papa !tous les mêmes ,les couleurs du pantalon merveilleuses ,chaussures vertes ou jaunes .Un truc facile à faire:Prendre des chaussures blanches en cuir et une bombe de couleur verte ou jaune, bourré les chaussures de papier et pulvérisé le produit :effet garanti pour changer la couleur des chaussures même procédé pour celles des adultes (brevet joy )

  5. I thought you were going to write, “where can I find these pants in large.”

    Great post. Enjoy being a SAHD.

    • fmlinardo says:

      Ha! Now there is an idea. No doubt my wife will love that. Thanks man and thanks for the visit to Frank’s Place. We’re always open.

  6. Next thing you know you’ll have your own TV programme – “How To Dress Your Stylish Daughter” kind of thing!!! ;D

  7. Michelle your cousin Arcaro says:

    Great- I have a biz trip to MN in 2 weeks and
    NYC in June. Do you do wardrobe consults?

  8. JETSR says:

    Francis this one is great! You have been through a metamorphosis and survived as a dad who can dress his daughter with style and you got a swack in on Chris too; priceless!

    • fmlinardo says:

      Thanks Chief. Yeah got a little two for one there. Chris has yet to respond. He may be measuring his words, could be a good one.

  9. joy says:

    Ces pantalons font fureur en France et de toutes les couleurs et de tous les motifs On se croirait à HAWAII .Les mêmes pour les femmes CELA S’APPELLE pour elles DES caleçons ,ne riez pas ,c’est la pure réalité , pas pour moi , car pas élégant et pas FEMININ . A QUANT POUR LES HOMMES DE PORTER CES MODELES L O L

    • fmlinardo says:

      Ha Ha! Eh bien, je ne vais pas aussi loin. Je ne pense pas que je pouvais sortir avec le port de ceux-ci. Bien que vert et jaune ne me vont …

  10. Chris Coyne says:

    Falling out of my seat with laughter…priceless.

    Glad to be a pawn in your psychosis-ridden banter…here for u pal.

  11. 1st-time mom says:

    Ha Ha That is too funny! Wonder if my husband will ever get to this stage. He forgot to put shoes on our kiddo the other day..

  12. I have been a SATD for quite a while, and I have to say that you should embrace this need to match clothes. That way, you don’t send your kid to preschool in mismatching clothes and have all of the moms looking at you with pity in their eyes. I am still not sure if that look was for my daughter or for me, but I had my wife give me a crash course on matching clothes so it wouldn’t happen again.

    • fmlinardo says:

      Any dopey mom that would look at my daughter or me with pity because her socks don’t match isn’t worth me acknowledging their existence let alone expending energy to please them for some reason.

      I can think of an infinitesimal amount of important things to worry about during my day, and that ain’t one of em.

Comments are closed.