Diary of a SAHD: Custer’s last stand.

Frank’s bedtime routine usually includes a small sample platter of  hor d’oeuvres and a drink just to get him through the night. Alright so we won’t be parents of the year this year. Anyway, you really gamble with a sound nights sleep if he doesn’t have his room service left on his night stand.

Mind you, I’m not talking about a sound night sleep for Frank, I’m talking about ours. Because if you don’t have some fish crackers, a canola bar (granola), and some water spiked with apple juice, sitting on his nightstand, he’ll let you know about it.

Where's my canola bar?

Where’s my canola bar?

What does that look like you ask? Well, at 3 – 4am it can be Frank appearing at your bedside just staring at you until you wake. Think Damien from the movie The Omen. I don’t recommend this option if you plan to go back to sleep… ever again.

Earlier in the night, like 10 – 11:30pm, it can simply be Frank standing at the top of the stairs shout-whispering MOMMY, MOMMY. Think Jason Vorhees from Friday the 13th.

Either way it’s creepy. I just keep his nightstand stocked. I’m thinking of putting in one of those fridges with all kinds of eats and drinks like you see in the finer Motel 8s. Of course he wouldn’t have to pay for any of it. Not yet anyway.

That’s just my policy. Mrs Frank’s Place likes to put all her chips on red 13 and let it ride. Last night while I was podcasting over at UF/UF Mrs Frank’s Place decided to gamble. When Frank was going to bed she told him she would be up in 15 minutes to bring him food if he was still awake. Her gamble was, obviously, Frank would be asleep and she wouldn’t have to go up there at all.

For shame Mrs Frank’s Place, for shame!

Frank did fall asleep and slept through the night.  Tracy was home free or so she thought.

When Frank got up the next morning the second thing he said to his mommy was, “You never brought me food last night mommy!” He was not laughing even though his mommy was. Then Frank disappeared. As Mrs Frank’s Place got ready to leave for work we heard from on high, “Hey Mommy! Where’s my food?”

My reply was quick and stern. “It’s morning Frank you have to come down and eat breakfast with me and Anne Marie.”

Don't make me stare at you.

Don’t make me stare at you.

“NO! Mommy has to bring me food to my room.”

Well hell, how long do you think mommy hung around after hearing that? Earliest she’s been to work this decade. All I got out of her was “Good luck, Love you.” That’s helpful, thanks.

I bid goodbye to Mrs Helpful and called for Frank to come down for breakfast. “NO! I’m eating my food up here.”

“Well I’m not bringing your food up there so you will just have to come down here.” I’m trying not to laugh, in an attempt to maintain some street cred.

“No I’m eating up here.”

“Ok, Frank.” He’s decided to take a stand. Hard to blame him. His mommy chooched him the night before so he’s going to shut down his little government and make a stand. Worked out well for the Tea Party didn’t it?

Yeah this went about the same. He starved for about 2 1/2 hours until the cleaning ladies came. Since he can’t like them, he ran his skinny, starving ass downstairs to get some food and watch Jake and the Neverland Pirates.

As my favorite modern day philosophizer Mike Tyson says, “Everyone has a plan until you punch them in the mouth.”