Diary of a SAHD: Shoes, God help me, we need more shoes!

Pink shoes? Who dressed this kid, Stevie Wonder?

Pink shoes? Who dressed this kid, Stevie Wonder?

OK I get it now.

I finally understand.

It’s all good now.

So I’m dressing the kid for our normal Monday thru Thursday run to drop Frank at school. We’re right on the edge of either being exactly on time or a few minutes late. One dirty diaper, one wet burp, a minor spill and we’ll have blown our TOT, or Time Over Target hack. So precision folks, we’re talking precision here. Frank was ready. His sister was up next.

Frank’s school starts at 9am but the rule of thumb is be there by 9:15. After living so long in a world where being five minutes early is actually late, 9-9:15 is a huge window and we have never broken it. When Mrs Frank’s Place takes him… well that’s a blog for another time.

As I said I’m dressing the midget and I find this great shirt. Creme with very subtle red piping on the hem and sleeves. Nice. Need a good pair of pants. Nice red pants with a little frill on the buttock area practically jump out of the drawer at me. Awesome. Just have to make sure the reds are the same shade and magically they are. I say magically because they are not a matched set. This ain’t a closet full of germanimals my friends. You got to want it when you’re dressing Anne Marie.

Top it with a red bow. Now we’re cookin with gas, and it’s only Wednesday. Normally it takes me till Friday to get this in gear. Grab up her shoes and we should be out the door and might be a tick or maybe even a tock early to school.

Annnnnd stop. Hold everything. What in the hell… Those shoes have pink trim, for the love of… That looks like crap! How can that look like such crap? Completely destroyed that outfit. I’ll never be a design contestant on Project Runway, I’ll never get to kiss Hedi Kulm as she dismisses me with a sweet “Auf Wiedersehen.” By the way what a waste of a super model kiss on those fellas. I’m not sayin I’m just sayin. But even I know you can’t pair red pants with pink shoes!

She looks like she fell out of the reject bin at GoodWill.

And while we’re on this subject, how the hell does Good Will have a reject bin. I took a cable ready TV to those mutts a while back and they turned it down because it wasn’t a flat screen. Really? REALLY? Let that soak in for a minute. Does Knoxville have a higher grade of indigent or down on their luck types? Do we only get the good poor folk here? Well the next and last thing they get from me will be in a brown bag, smelly, and on fire, shot from the missile launcher of the Starship Frankerprise (our minivan). And the last thing they’ll hear is Captain Frank yelling, “Target in sight, load the Crapton Torpedos!”

OK I’m done. That little rant was a long time coming.

Well our time hack is blown now. I’m looking for shoes but I know they are not in there. Well bocci balls! We’re going with the pink shoes. What choice do I have?

My next thought was this kid needs more shoes. Two new thoughts quickly sprang from that.

First, I never thought that with Frank. He was much easier to dress. Second and probably most important, now I get it. Now all the shoes makes sense to me. With the male of the species it really isn’t a thing right? Just about anything we own will go with whatever non-descript shoes we’re wearing. I mean most of my old military uniforms go with the civilian shoes I own now.

So I get it now ladies, I get it and am in full agreement.

The one thing AM’s closet is missing is shoes. That is easily rectifiable.

To the Frankerprise Anne Marie! Lay in a course for The Mall.

In the event we do not return all search parties should begin looking for us in the Payless Nebula and work your way east from there.


4 comments on “Diary of a SAHD: Shoes, God help me, we need more shoes!

  1. Diane says:

    Roy says you are boldly going where no man has volunteered to go before. 🙂

  2. Aunt Clare says:

    Finally, a guy understands. I don’t know why shoe closets aren’t a standard in house building plans-which reminds me, the seasons are changing and I haven’t rearranged my shoe closet yet-must run!

    • fmlinardo says:

      Good luck. I agree. Closet space would be so much more efficient if builders just realized a shoe closet needs to be a separate space, not a carved out corner of the original closet.

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