Diary of a SAHD: Dear Santa – you terrify me.

I’m not sure when this happened exactly. Last year the kid went to see Santa no problem. Sat in the dudes lap at the mall, got a great picture with a big smile. He even asked Santa for a soldier and candy cane. That’s it Santa asks, that’s all you want for Christmas? Frank says “yeah”.

Well mall Santa’s practically crap candy canes so that was easy. But then the dude produced a plastic bendable toy soldier dressed like the soldiers from the Nut Cracker. Frank almost had a baby right there. He stared at Santa with a big grin on his face. It was pretty cool. Although Santa raised the bar on me to heights unimaginable. It’s not like I can just pull toys and candy out of my rump. That would be awesome though.

To top that the freaking guy remembered Frank’s name from the year before. Called Frank by name before we could tell him what it was. Not making that up. I wasn’t sure if I should be impressed or a little creeped out or I should just call the cops. Probably all three.

For whatever reason this year Frank want’s nothing to do with Santa. He didn’t want to get his picture made with Santa at school. That was fine by us. The school santa is an arm and a leg and the guy last year looked a little “rugged” if you know what I’m saying. I’m not saying they grabbed the first hobo they could find peeing on the side of the Qwiki-Mart and crammed him into a Santa suit, but I’m not, not saying it either.

Alright so school Santa was out. No biggie. That put mall Santa at the top of the list. I was sorta looking forward to that if only to see if it was the same guy and could he remember Frank’s name again. But no go. Frank doesn’t want to see Santa this year. He says he’s not afraid he just doesn’t want to go. Not really the end of the world. We were hoping to get a picture of Frank and his sister together with Santa. AM was out of the mix last year as she was still on house quarantine for her immune system. So it was kind of a bummer. Plus I’m really dying to know if this guy can come up with Frank’s name again. Still one day left, maybe a Christmas miracle is in the air.

It ain't Shakespeare, but it'll do.

It ain’t Shakespeare, but it’ll do.

Since he’s wasn’t going to see Santa this year, I suggest to Frank that we should write a letter and mail it to Santa. That way the big guy will know what you want and he might bring you something. Once he realized we would be mailing it from our house he was down with it. So we penned a letter. He dictated and I wrote it out, word for word. Then he signed it. Exhibit A to the left.

The Snow Ogre to which he refers is the Abominable Snowman from the Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer cartoon. We were ready for that. He has been talking about a stuffed snow ogre for two weeks. We had no idea at first but when we decorated the tree he found the Abominable Snowman ornament and yelled out, this this is a snow ogre! Alrighty then, no problem. He’s actually a Yeti who goes by the name Bumble, but you know, he’s fictional. And he arrived in a day. Amazon Prime I love you.

No clue why he wants this.

Pretty cute as far as Yeti go.

The snowboard has put us in the trick. He caught us by surprise, no snow in Southtown, he’ll be deathly afraid of it, and it’s Christmas Eve. Snowboard ain’t happening.

I was also unprepared for him asking for things for the rest of us. Got “a little choked” as Frank says when he sees someone getting a bit misty eyed.

Golf balls for me is a no brainer. Although I wasn’t sure if I should take that as an insult. You know, “Santa please bring daddy new golf balls because he has hit so many in the lake the water level has risen two inches this year.” I decided I may be over-thinking it and kept scribing.

The dolly for his sister won’t be an issue. Why he asked for a farm for his mother is beyond me. We got him a farm, but no idea why he thinks she’d want one. Probably trying to slip an extra gift in for himself.

But he only asked for two things so if he thinks a third item for himself is a bridge too far, I’ll take that as a good sign. Maybe the kid has some understanding of moderation. Or maybe he’s just a conniving little chooch. Close call. But he always shares his candy with his sister so I gotta believe his list for Santa was done with pure intentions.

I can’t imagine his wish list will always be this spartan.

But if I can get away with a two foot high stuffed Yeti, that’s just all right.

Merry Christmas from Frank’s Place!

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