One of the unintended benefits of kids is their near perfect comedic timing. It’s near perfect because they aren’t trying to be funny. At least my two aren’t trying, they’re usually serious when explaining things or excusing their way out of trouble. But make no mistake, Frank is the reincarnation of Jackie Mason. Google him.

So getting Frank to make a Christmas list for Santa provides some serious comedy for a lot of reasons. First of all, the kid is on some minimalist bender for the past year or so. I kid you not, he has been wearing out the phrase, I don’t need that. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to have a kid who doesn’t want everything he sees but when you’re at a birthday party and a mom hands him a gift bag and he hands it back saying he doesn’t need it, not so great. Ask his 2yr old sister what she wants for Christmas and she doesn’t hesitate, TOYS! That’s my girl.

The second issue with the Christmas list is Frank can now write and he wants to write the list on his own without anyone present. A kid learning how to write making a list of things he doesn’t want or need, this ought to be good. Of course it’s 5 minutes in and he’s asking for help. He doesn’t need help spelling, no, he needs ideas to put on the list. So I start prompting him.

Out of nowhere he churns out a sleigh full of ideas which read like the equipment list from the Winter Olympics. Snowboard, ice skates, hockey sticks… he went on and on. He stopped short of asking for a luge. (pssst.. it’s a fancy sled used for racing) As he finishes his list, he pauses, looks up at me exasperated, This list is no good daddy.

Why Frank?

Cause I can only think of things that will smash my brains out.

I had no response. I was too busy trying not to laugh. Of course, he’s not wrong. All of those things have the potential to smash the user’s brain out. But he got it sorted, dumped the hockey sticks because, well, he has a stick I bought him months ago. When he remembered that he decided he didn’t need two. After a few more ideas he asked me to go away. He came back with this:

Checking it twice…

He went old school with the greeting. I dig it. Star Wars stands all by itself, no explanation needed, but army game? No clue. The last item on the list caused a stir.

His mother was afraid he was asking for a switch blade, a weapon indigenous to my home state of souther New Jersey. Ah southern white girls, ain’t nothing like em. But of course he was asking for the supporting actor Blade Ranger from the movie Planes: Fire and Rescue.

I have to admit I had no idea other than knowing he was not asking for a knife. You know, not a bad letter from a kindergartner. Even used his full name. Love that kid.

The flu currently has him down and out, so our 2nd annual Christmas Eve-a-pallooza will be limited this year. But I got a list out of my minimalist first born.

It’s a Christmas miracle!